The Phantom of the Light Opera Guys and Dolls
by RozzandMaya
Summary: In which, among other things, Raoul sings a song about his pants, Erik is more than usually depressed, and Piangi is nonexistent.


A/N: Yes, this is the fic that has put Dracula's Rant on the back burner for a while. This is a very random mixture of the musical, Leroux, Kay, and the new movie. Basically, when there's some kind of plot disagreement go for the one that's more outlandish. I wrote the end of this while I was high on antihistamines so forgive my serious lack of rhyming talent and feel free to suggest corrections.

Oh and also. This is my one man crusade for Erik/Madame Giry so you were warned. You could join the crusade if you feel so inclined. Or you could review and tell me just why Erik/Giry is not a good pair. Or you could just review. Yes I'm shamelessly begging.

Guys and Dolls, presented by the Opera Ghost

AUTHOR: Hello, I have the pleasure to present the world famous musical Guys and Dolls, written, directed, produced by Erik….The Phantom of the Opera

ERIK walk on stage and bows amid wild applause : Thank you dear friends. I hope you will enjoy the show. I present to you this wonderful musical.

AUTHOR: Which incidentally is based on the Guys and Dolls movie. Not the actual musical.

ERIK gives AUTHOR a black look: And now, the show! waves arm to side and steps back

AUTHOR comes up and taps ERIK on the shoulder: "Um…Piangi is sick."

ERIK: What!

AUTHOR: Piangi is sick. You'll have to take his place.

ERIK: No! I have work to do back stage.

AUTHOR turns to audience: Excuse me for my mistake. Written, Directed, Produced and Starring ERIK the Phantom of the Opera!

AUDIENCE: cheers wildly, even though they figured that this would happen.

SCENE 1: 

FIRMIN RICHARD is standing and holding a opera booklet ANDRE MONCHARMIN is looking over his shoulder. A dishevelled ERIK is shoved out onto the stage with a voice saying that JOSEPH BUQUET is sick too, so he has to sing the song. ERIK looks angry. And he's wearing a checkered coat. And a non-black fedora. Before he can complain, the music starts.

FIRMIN: slaps paper heartily

I got the horse…I mean, lady…. Right here.

Her name is…Christine Daae

And there's a guy that says if the Phantom's near

Can do. Can do. This guy says the horse…uh, lady… can do.

If he says the girl can do. Can do. Can do.

ANDRE:

I'm picking Sor-rel-li

'Cause in the Chorus Line

The rats have got her figured at five foot nine

That's wide. That's wide.

The broad's a total five foot wide.

If they say she's five foot wide.

Valkyrie. Can ride.

ERIK:

But look at …._Carlotta!_

recovers from shock, continues singing

She's twice as wide by half.

According to Mssr. Nadir and his photograph

shoots look of death offstage to cringing Nadir…who is mouthing the words 'it was a summer job'

Big threat. Big threat.

That guy called the whore big threat.

author holds up copy of Erik's contract

If he called the _horse_ big threat

Big threat. Big threat.

FIRMIN:

For Christine D I'll cast

They say she sings so fast

Of course it all depends on boys from the past

Get scarf. Get scarf.

She'll love he who just gets scarf.

If she loves for cute red scarf

By all means….get scarf. Get scarf.

ANDRE:

I know it's Sor-rel-li

The way she moves looks fine

Besides her second ex-husband's a friend of mine.

Needs…uh race. Needs race.

That guy said that boy she could race

If he says that she could race.

Well. He should know.

ERIK:

And just a minute boys

I got the feedbox noise

They say her great grandfather was Equipoise

Shows crass. Shows crass

Her dad was a horse, shows crass.

If he was a horse so what.

She's closer… to mutt.

ANDRE: shocked That didn't rhyme…

FIRMIN:   
I tell you Christine dear,

Now this is no bum steer

Besides the threat we received was real sincere.

Must sing. Must sing.

The lady Christing must sing.

Death comes if she don't sing.

Must sing. Must sing.

ANDRE: reapeating with vigour

I'm picking Sor-rel-li

'Cause in the Chorus Line

The rats have got her figured at five foot nine

That's wide. That's wide.

The broad's a total five foot wide.

If they say she's five foot wide.

Valkyrie. Can ride.

ERIK:

But look at Carlotta-ff

She's twice as wide by half.

According to Mssr. Nadir and his lithograph…..that soooo does not make sense

Big fat. Big fat.

That guy called the horse big fat.

If he called the horse big fat

Big fat. Big fat

ANDRE:

Christine dear…

FIRMIN:

Sor-rel-li

ERIK:

Carlotta-ff.

ALL THREE: I got the star… right here!

SCENE 2: 

Christine Daae is all spiffy looking in a horned helmet. She is standing on the side of the street with a bunch of Salvation Army officers. She is singing scales up into the stratosphere. Surprisingly enough. Everyone is ignoring her. A lot of dogs are barking though.

CHRISTINE: In German, to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries

Follow ze fold unt ztray nein more

Ztray nein more

Ztray nein more

Put down ze bottle and ztray nein more

Follow, follow ze fold.

annoyed that no one is listening to her, she stops singing and starts adressing the passerbys

in English

My Adoring Public, my name is Christine Daae. This is no place to make a speech, but you didn't listen to me when I was singing, so I'll try this instead. You don't want to be told how unhappy you are. So I'll tell you. You don't want to be told about the emptyness of your lives. So I'll tell you. You who drink too much! You who gamble at cards and dice and opera singing! You scum! Let us help you not to lose your hard earned money in gambling!"

FIRMIN: If only she could tell us how not to lose money paying ridiculous salaries to people who do absolutely nothing constructive.

ERIK: I heard that.

CHRISTINE: Let us give you the strength to stop your drinking, to stop your gambling!

FIRMIN: forget it. Let's go.

CHRISTINE: Let us welcome you to the Salvation Army! It's just around the corner.

JOSEPH BUQUET enters.

BUQUET: very healthy sounding voice like yellow parchment is his skin!

A CROWD of BALLET RATS gathers and sits at BUQUET's FEET

BUQUET: A great black hole serves as the nose which never grew! You must be always on your guard or he will get you with his magical lasso! Yes ladies and gentlemen, yours for just one dollar, one dollar! Is this genuite Phantom of the Opera Magic Lasso. Are you tired of being a square? Are you tired of being the low man on the totem pole? One moment with this Patented Phantom of the Opera Magic Lasso and you can murder all your enemies! Get 'em while they're hot, get 'em while they're hot! Now don't crowd there's plenty for everyone.

CHRISTINE: looks disgusted and sings a high C that shatters every piece of glass within twenty feet. Then she stamps off.

By now, most of the CROWD is ignoring BUQUET too, because on STAGE LEFT, a couple of STAGEHANDS are stuffing ERIK into a different costume.

SCENE 3 

A barbershop. A tall dark man in a fantastic suit walks out and puts his hat on. ANDRE and FIRMIN walk up, noticeably minus ERIK.

ANDRE: Nadir the Newt!

NADIR: rolls eyes Andy Stagemanager, since when do you yell out the name of a poison in the open air which is full of policemen.

ANDRE: confused but you're a policeman…is distracted by author making frantic cutting motions across his throat That is… It was just a friendly impulse, I lost my head.

NADIR: If I didn't like you so much, this would now be a fact. Only you'd be swinging from a rafter.

ANDRE: beams delightedly You know Stingy Stingy Firmin, of course?"

NADIR: Yeah. Of course. How do you handle the opera finances?

FIRMIN: clenching fists and annoyed that he has to follow this stupid script Stingy stingy. Thank you.

NADIR: I have been waitin to hear from Erik Detroit. What will be the location of his…music master class?

ANDRE: We don't know yet. Erik's been looking around, but as you know, he is very hard to please.

FIRMIN: you can say that again. Confidentially Nadir, the fops are on very thick around hear, and it is making Erick annoyed.

NADIR: that's too bad, because I would hate to take my…musical expertise….elsewhere. I am loaded and looking for action.

ANDRE: gasps with the opera divas! Those fat old cows!

A MAGIC LASSO appears from the rafters and jerks ANDRE out of the scene.

NADIR: barely notices I have just acquired five thousand….original copies of Bach cantatas.

FIRMIN: five thousand? That's…hard to believe. If it can be told, where did you take on this fine bundle of lettuce?

NADIR: I have nothing to hide. I collected the reward on my father.

FIRMIN: Your father was Johann Sebastian Bach?

NADIR: stalks off and doesn't say anything else because his script says he doesn't have to

ANDRE: is booted out onto the stage with a black eye It is an advantage to have a successful father. Nobody wanted my old man's….musical compositions….for as much as five hundred.

FIRMIN: Who was your father?

ANDRE: Elvis Presley.

FIRMIN: Andre, I'm worried about Erik, Nadir the Newt isn't the only one. There's a lot of loose sheet music floating around now and everybody's looking for some action.

ANDRE: I fail to see how a music critique can be considered 'action.'

FIRMIN: shaking head If Erik doesn't find a place…looks up and sees a pinched looking guy why…Inspector Mifroid… Mr. Stagemanager, look, it is Inspector Mifroid of the Paris City Police Department.

MIFROID: motiones them over Have either of you seen Erik Detroit?

ANDRE and FIRMIN look at each other and cleverly realize that ERIK has no last name.

FIRMIN: innocently Which Erik Detroit is that?

MIRFOID: Your boss!

FIRMIN: I resent that.

MIFROID: The Erik Detroit who runs a floating opera critique!

ANDRE: shocked opera critique!

FIRMIN: On a boat?

MIFROID cursing script An opera critique that moves to a different spot every night so the police can't find it and break it up.

ANDRE: Why would the police want to find it

MIFROID: We want to be more cultured.

ANDRE: Oh. Sounds like a very difficult thing to do.

MIFROID: You should know, because it's your job to rustle up the debutantes and opera goers and tell them where the opera house is!

FIRMIN: Especially with a famous detective like you putting on the heat.

MIFROID: to FIRMIN and you can tell just that to Erik Detroit that he's not going to find a spot for his opera critique becaue Mifroid has put on the heat and Mifroid is breathing down everyone's neck

MIFROID leaves ERIK enters. He looks glum. He has his hands in his pockets.

FIRMIN: Erik you're lucky, you just missed Inspector Mifroid.

ERIK gives him a pained stare and says nothing.

ANDRE: he left a message for you, he said to tell you—

ERIK's pained stare does not change. ANDRE and FIRMIN shut up. ERIK walks over to a mirror in the barbershop and looks into it. His mask looks pretty good. Then he sighs and takes off his mask. He doesn't look so good then. He looks even more glum and self-absorbed. He puts back on the mask.

FIRMIN: trying to cheer him up Have you tried all the regular places? Maybe they'll take a chance seeing it's you?

ERIK: Me? No. They don't like haunted houses. Except one. The Amazing Fredrick's Carnival and Petting Zoo. Fredrick said he might take a chance for one thousand bucks.

ANDRE and FIRMIN look sick.

ERIK: In advance, and in cash. He wouldn't even take my mask.

ANDRE: shocked would not take your mask?

ERIK: you have no idea what a breath this Mifroid has got. After all, a mask is not just a piece of paper saying. 'I have to pay you the money or I'll never be able to walk in daylight again' signed Erik Detroit, a mask is the one pledge which a guy cannot welch on. looks offstage can we just skip the plot exposition and get right to the song and dance number now?

AUTHOR: Ok.

singing

FIRMIN: The Amazing Fredrick's Carnival and Petting Zoo wants a grand.

ANDRE: But we ain't got a grand on hand.

ERIK: and the acoustics at the rest home aren't necesarrily the best

FIRMIN: there's the the back of Nadir's SUV, the car

ANDRE: But Mrs. Nadir ain't the good scout.

ERIK: and things being how they are

ALL: the opera house is out.

ANDRE and FIRMIN: So the Amazing Fredrick's Carnival and Petting Zoo is the spot

ERIK: But the one thousand francs we ain't got.

ERIK is randomly attacked by a HALF-SHAVEN MANIAC

MANIAC 1: Why it's good ol reliable Erik. Erik Erik Erik Detroit.

ERIK: I hate my life.

ERIK is promptly attacked by several more HALF-SHAVEN MANIACS and also BARBERS.

MANIACS: If you're looking for action he'll furnish the…horse

ERIK reaches inside his pinstriped suit for his Punjab lasso, but it isn't there. He throws up his hands in despair.

BARBER: Even when the heat is on the valkiries are hot!

MANIACS and BARBERS magically double in number. All seem to be remarkably well trained singers, and they can dance too.

ALL: Not for good ol reliable Erik For it's always just a short walk…

all stand and look reverent

To the oldest reliable permanent floating opera critique in New York!

ERIK: I thought I was in Paris.

AUTHOR: stage whisper it didn't rhyme.

ERIK: that never bothered you until now.

MORE RANDOM GUYS: there are well heel shooters everywhere everywhere, there are well heel shooters everywhere. And an awful lot of lettuce for the fella who can get us there!

ERIK: I don't even want to know what that means.

ANDRE and FIRMIN: if we only had a lousy little grand we could be a milllionaaaiiiireeee!

COINCIDENTALLY every RANDOM GUY, HALF-SHAVEN MANIAC, and BARBER is wearing tap shoes and they spontaneously break into a meticulously choreographed dance.

ALL: Not for good old reliable Erik Erik Erik Erik Detroit

ERIK: you should get that stutter fixed.

looks around confused and realizes that he should be singing

If the size of your bundle you want to increase

I'll arrange that you go broke in quiet and peace….wait..that's really obscene.

ANDRE and FIRMIN: oblivious In a hideout provided by Erik where there are no neighbors to sqwauk. they giggle

ALL: It's the oldest established permanent floating opera critique in New York!

RANDOM GUYS: Where's the action?

BARBERS: Where's the dames?

ERIK: have to have the _music master class_ or we'll die of shame.

ALL: lustily It't the oldest established PERMANENT FLOATING OPERA CRITIQUE IN NEW YOOOOOOOORRKK!

ERIK: head in hands Gentelmen, I am deeply touched by your faith and loyalty. Gentlemen do not worry, Erik Detroit's music class for people who want to learn more about _music_ will float again.

ERIK lunges out of the BARBER SHOP as fast as he can.

SCENE 4

A RANDOM GUY stops ERIK on the street.

RANDOM GUY: Erik! Guess who's sitting in Piangi's right now, eating a steak breakfast!

ERIK: has read script and knows exactly who it is Hitler.

RANDOM GUY: doesn't miss a beat wrong! RAOUL the VICOMTE de CHAGNEY!

ERIK: you mean right.

RANDOM GUY: Raoul's in town! This should be the most intellectually stimulating music masterclass of your career Erik! Where's it gonna be?

ERIK: Go to hell.

RANDOM GUY: What time?

SCENE 5 

ERIK: sobbing Raoul. Raoul get's to be Sky Masterson. The FOP get's to be the lead romantic character. Is this typical or what. HE get's to sing all the lovely romantic songs with Christine. And he can't sing! He even sings worse than Marlon Brando. I hate my life. Pity me you hopeless females in the audience!

ANDRE: Does Raoul bet higher than the Greek?

ERIK: Why do you think they call him…Raoul. Once, with my own eyes I saw him bet five thousand dollars that you could see out from the inside of a crocodile's stomach. Another time he was sick and he wouldn't take penecillin because he bet the doctor that he would die. Always makes crazy bets like that

FIRMIN: looking slightly crosseyed Did he win?

ERIK: shakes his head in pity against a doc?

SCENE 6 

Sitting in PIANGI'S RESTAURANT

ERIK: is looking slightly less depressed So why don't I bet him a thousand bucks on something?

RANDOM WAITER serves ERIK cheesecake and ANDRE and FIRMIN nothing. ANDRE and FIRMIN look hurt. ERIK argues pointlessly with the RANDOM WAITER for a few minutes, introducing the audience to the fact that PIANGI'S RESTAURANT is famous for it's CHEESECAKE and it's PEANUT BUTTER COVERED TORTILLAS WITH CHOPPED OLIVES AND MUSTARD. ANDRE and FIRMIN then subtly coax ERIK into finding out how much of each dish PIANGI'S sells each day and betting RAOUL for the favorite. ERIK aquiesces with just enough RELUCTANCE to make the scene seem GENUINE. ANDRE and FIRMIN leave.

In saunters a SEXY BLONDE. She has a sweet smile and she traipses by ERIK's table. She smiles and winks at him. Behind her is MME. GIRY. GIRY takes out a cane and knocks the SEXY BLONDE to the floor. Then she sits down stiffly next to ERIK.

ERIK: You were supposed to walk up behind me and put your hands over my eyes and say 'guess who.'

GIRY: I refuse to make a spectacle of myself.

ERIK: Well you're throwing the timing of the whole scene off.

GIRY: ask me if I care.

ERIK: clears throat Oh, Adelaide, it's you , doll. I thought you were Inspector Mifroid.

GIRY: monotone my name is not Adelaide. How could you mistake me for Inspector Mifroid. We don't even wear the same perfume.

AUTHOR: CUT! CUT!

A pair of HANDS block the view for a few minutes. VIOLENT GROWLING is happening on the stage. When we return, GIRY has lipstick on, her hair has been cut, streaked blonde, and curled. She looks MISERABLE.

GIRY: with great emotion Do you know what I dream about? You. And your career as a businessman in a normal business and our career toegether as a ….monotone returns normal husband and wife.

ERIK looks DULY HORRIFIED. He SNEEZES, even though that is GIRY'S LINE.

GIRY: are you ill?

ERIK: that was _your_ cold. Your cold does not seem to be getting any better.

GIRY: It comes and goes it comes and goes. It's just a chronic condition. I hate you. Erik, speaking of chronic conditions…Happy Anniversary.

ERIK takes the BOX she hands him.

GIRY: nastily we've been engaged for fourteen years. Guess what's inside.

ERIK: A thousand bucks

GIRY: No. You'll have to open it.

ERIK opens the BOX. Inside there is a piece of paper, on it is written ERIK DETROIT GENERAL MANAGER. On the back of the paper is a scratched out shopping list. ERIK looks as PLEASED as PUNCH.

ERIK: starting to pick up Giry's monotone Adelaide I do not have a present for you.

GIRY: my name is not Adelaide.

ERIK: losing temper well just pretend!

GIRY: I do not mind if you don't give me a present. It makes me feel like we were married.

ERIK: there goes your twenty franc tip each night for Box 5

GIRY: there isn't anything I couldn't do without. Just as long as you don't start running that opera critique again.

ERIK: trying to look innocent Opera Critique…I wouldn't do such a thing. Didn't I promise you.

ANDRE and FIRMIN arrive at this INNOPORTUNE MOMENT and proceed to DEMONSTRATE that ERIK is running the OPERA CRITIQUE. ERIK smooth talks his way out of it, and sends GIRY off to DANCE PRACTICE. ANDRE and FIRMIN go with her.

SCENE 7 

RAOUL walks by ERIK's table. ERIK is busy eating cheesecake.

ERIK: FOP!

RAOUL: walks smoothly over and sits at ERIK's table I don't like you either. Let's get down to business. How are you?

ERIK: great. Eat some cheesecake.

RAOUL: I'm full. I want to talk about my father.

ERIK: Your father isn't in Phantom.

RAOUL: waves aside details my brother then. While I was in Vegas I heard that you were losing your job to a lousy cop. I could gloat, but I wont because I'm much to kindhearted.

ERIK: Who worries about the cops? How was Vegas?

RAOUL: I liked the Pirate show at the Treasure Island, all the shops in the Aladdin and the Luxor. There was this roller coaster in the New York New York…just fab. I loved the ceilings in Ceasar's Palace and Sigfried and Roy were something else…I mean. I gambled a lot. And I…went on dates…with a lot of beautiful women with names like Trixie and Bubbles.

ERIK: looking sick Eat some cheesecake before I throw up. Or maybe you can have Piangi's other famous dessert: peanut butter covered tortillas with chopped olives and mustard.

RAOUL: that reminds me of the dinner I had at the Paris. OOOOHH I am so full just thinking about it.

ERIK: please just leave town.

RAOUL: Oh, I will. Tomorrow I go to the Arctic. Don't you envy me you insignifigant ugly little man?

ERIK: do yourself a favor and eat this last bite of my cheesecake. It's poisoned. You'll thank me in the end.

RAOUL: not listening Honestly I couldn't. I'm stuffed. How's Adelaide?

ERIK: pales fine. I hope.

RAOUL: I suppose one of these days you'll be getting married.

ERIK: swallows lump in throat We all gotta go sometime.

RAOUL: We're men, aren't we? Shouldn't women just grovel at our feet? It's so much more fun to ride roller coasters…I mean gamble.

ERIK: disturbed at the way the conversation is heading Still you will admit that Piangi's cheesecake is the greatest cheesecake on the planet.

RAOUL: where did that come from? I was just going to tell you how I feel on roller coasters.

ERIK: cutting him off And yet many people would rather have peanut butter covered tortillas with chopped olives and mustard, do you disagree?

RAOUL: Erik, you should see a doctor.

ERIK: moans

RAOUL: Ok, to each his own.

ERIK: do you think that PIANGI'S sells more cheesecake or more peanut butter covered tortillas with chopped olives and mustard?

RAOUL: judging from my own personal taste I would say cheesecake.

AUTHOR: in stentorian tones But Raoul had underestimated the crappiness of Piangi's customers!

ERIK: wanna bet a thousand bucks on it?

RAOUL: you know, my brother once took me to this house with &$# &&# ((&# $&&((# !#!&!# and therefore, I can't bet on this becaue I promised her that I wouldn't. Cheesecake would be our sacred dessert. Just for the two of us.

ERIK: never mind.

ANDRE and FIRMIN arrive at another INOPPORTUNE MOMENT and describe to RAOUL that ERIK set the whole bet up.

ANDRE: what's the matter Erik, you look sick.

ERIK: erp.

FIRMIN: Giry wants you to pick her up after the show. And you're not to be late. She says that to be a dancer, one must be disciplined. And on time.

ERIK: Yes dear.

ANDRE and FIRMIN leave.

RAOUL: horrified you said a dirty word!

ERIK: Yes dear.

RAOUL: you said it again! Dump Giry and take up with one of my Vegas chicks.

ERIK: I don't want to dump her. I love her. After all, she did faithfully follow my orders. And she rescued me from the circus…drifts into deep thought

RAOUL: Women are playthings. They are only here to fulfill my immediate pleasure. I compare them with cough drops. I can have any woman I want.

ERIK: Giry wouldn't rescue _you_ from a freak show.

RAOUL: They're all the same. Cherry flavored.

ERIK: I'll bet you a thousand bucks that you can't take Christine to the Arctic with you tomorrow.

RAOUL: is she the cute chick in the Salvation Army uniform that is standing outside of the restauraunt and asking for donations?

ERIK: Yes.

RAOUL: Piece of cake.

SCENE 7 

CHRISTINE: It's all my fault. It's not the Salvation Army, it's me! I'm a faliure because people don't take me seriously. I'd be doing the right thing if I resigned and went back to scandinavia.

PHILLIPE: Should this magic lasso fray when I murder puppies with it?

CHRISTINE: bursts into tears

PHILLIPE: Why do you want to go back to scandinavia, I guess there are fewer opera critics there.

CHRISTINE: I've been surrounded by depraved characters like that and after months and months of trying to put good music in their ears, look what I have here. she points at the room An empty room.

PHILLIPE: I'm ashamed of you, just because the managers of every opera in town didn't break down your door with contracts the moment you walked into town.

RAOUL: walks up to the door and looks inside, then knocks and opens door Do you take opera critics here?

PHILLIPE: Bro. Of course. She takes them at any time of the day or night. wink I'll just leave you two alone now. Bye.

RAOUL: to Christine I'm not a poor opera critic like most of those guys. I'm a multimillionaire Viscount.

PHILLIPE: yeah right, and I'm a count.

RAOUL: I thought you were leaving.

PHILLIPE: leaving. Right. Goodnight sweet prince and may…

RAOUL: flights of angels speed thee to thy rest.

CHRISTINE: that's theater, not opera.

RAOUL: Aren't you impressed with my knowledge, you silly woman? I worked for years memorizing that.

PHILIPPE: Oh, by the way, her name is Christine Daae. I'm Count DeChagney. To you we're Christine and Brother Phil.

RAOUL: You can call me Pookie.

CHRISTINE: horrified Pleased to meet you Mr.—

RAOUL: Pookie.

CHRISTINE: Is that your real name!

RAOUL: naw, I'm Raoul the Viscount De Changey. Call me Pookie.

CHRISTINE: What's your problem Mr. deChagney?

RAOUL: Pookie. I insist.

CHRISTINE: I gather that you're not looking for money.

RAOUL: Nope, guess again. I'm just unhappy.

PHILLIPE: about what?

RAOUL: If you're just going to stand behind that door and make stupid comments, come back in. Well then. I'm unhappy about being an opera critic.

CHRISTINE: but you're rich. What more could there be to life?

RAOUL: Gee, I never thought of it that way. Good bye.

CHRISTINE: no wait come back! Its just unusual for a famous wealthy and handsome opera critic to be unhappy.

RAOUL: Oh well, maybe I'll be happy if I think about it for a while.

PHILLIPE: Oh Christine can make you the unhappiest man in the world.

RAOUL: really?

PHILLIPE: Why are you an opera critic when that's such a despicable profession. You don't look like a bad person. In fact you look like a cherubic impression of a greek god.

RAOUL: turning pale Evil musical composers. This guy, his name was Andy. Well I went to see his musical about the Phantom of the Opera and I've never been the same since.

CHRISTINE: what's a musical?

RAOUL: its like an opera, only it's understandable, sung in English, funny, moving, and nobody actually dies or loses important pieces of their anatomy.

CHRISTINE: It sounds dreadful!

RAOUL: I know. I'm a chump.

CHRISTINE: what's wrong with being a chump? I know several chumps.

RAOUL: an opera critic going to see musicals! I would be excommunicated.

PHILLIPE: I haven't said anything in a while. I'm going to go now. leaves

RAOUL: I think you like me Christine. You're obviously very troubled.

CHRISTINE: Mr. deChagney, I think you're changing the subject

RAOUL: Pookie.

CHRISTINE: disgusted Pookie then. Aren't we supposed to be discussing your problems?

RAOUL: you look like you have even more problems than me. Do you ever hear voices at night? Dream of violins in a graveyard? I think your psychologically distoibed.

CHRISTINE: burst into spirited rendition of 'Gee Officer Krupke' I'm distoibed!

BOTH: We're distoibed. We're distoibed. We're the most distoibed. Like we're psychologically distoibed!

RAOUL: Take him to the head shrinker!

BOTH:laugh and wipe a tear from eye now where were we?

CRHISTINE: I don't think you want to give up being an opera critic. Here's my promotional video. Call me if you know of an opera with a opening for a prima donna.

RAOUL: embarrased I don't know how to watch a video.

CHRISTINE: Then I expect you can't read my advertising campaign either?

RAOUL: nope. Now, back to business. Will you fly to Antarctica and be my little penguin with me?

CHRISINE: NO!

RAOUL: Don't flatter yourself. I meant if I make every opera critic in town listen to your voice will you have…uh lunch…with me in Antarctica? Ooh look, a nice little card with the a few notes from Salome on it. studies the score This is all wrong. It sould go like this: commences singing coloratura soprano and dancing the dance of the seven veils

CHRISTINE: shocked hey, you're good!

RAOUL: thanks. keeps dancing You left out the c sharp in the second measure.

CHRISTINE: mortified no I didn't.

RAOUL: wanna bet

CHRISTINE: pulls out a handy copy of the conductor's score and sees that he's right I hate you.

RAOUL turns over the copy of Salome which happens to be printed on a mask writes I owe you at least a dozen genuine opera critics. Now, here's my mask…marker.

CHRISTINE: I hate you go away.

RAOUL: I think you need a man. I wonder what he'll be like.

CHRISTINE: Who?

RAOUL: That that upright downright forthright square with his closed shaved chin and aristocratic nose who is now marching down the proper approach to proper you. What will he be like?

CHRISTINE: thinking, how does he know! He won't be an opera critic that's for sure.

RAOUL: My mind knows depths of depravity that you cannot even fathom. What will he be like.

music starts

CHRISTINE: Don't worry, I'll know.

For I've imagined every bit of him.

From his strong sexy fingers

To his disembodied voice

To the shiny desperate sparkle of his eyes.

RAOUL:

You have wished yourself a big time murderer

The punjab swinging fop killing type

CHRISTINE:

And I shall meet him when the time is right

I'll know the Angel's sweet song

I won't take a chance

For oh, he'll be just what I need

Not some fly-by-night intrigue romance.

RAOUL: sarcastically

And you'll know at a glance

By the corpsey looking hands.

CHRISTINE:

I'll know, by his obsessive hate

That uncontrolled rage

I'll know, as I cower in the dark

That at last he has come from the grave!

And 'til then

I shall wait

And 'til then

I'll sing songs!

For I'll know, when my love comes along!

RAOUL:

Mine from child hood I'll fantasize about

Mine, I'll leave to whim's necessity

CHRISTINE:speaking Nesessity?

RAOUL: you know, parental duty and all that.

singing

Suddenly, I'll know, when my love comes along

I'll pretend I care

I'll know, at the sight of her…face

How I care when I'm scared by some jerk with no hair

And I'll stop,

And I'll stare

I'll know, long before we can speak

I'll know, in my…heart

I'll know, and I won't ever ask

Is she free, does she think of her scarf.

But I'll stop

And I'll stare

At that…face

Jiggling in the song!

Yup, I'll know when my love comes along

grabbs CHRISINE and KISSES her.

CHRISTINE fights for a bit, but stops. RAOUL walks respectfully away, and CHRISTINE stops him just as he is about to leave. She puts her ARMS around his NECK, grabbs his HEAD and smashes it into her KNEE. The PG-13 rating is instantly VIOLATED by the amount of GORE.

RAOUL: holding broken nose Well that makes it necessary for me to drop by again, you know what happened to the nose in Il Trovotore. Page 645. Measure 12 of the Aria.

CHRISTINE goes back inside and looks at the mask on which RAOUL promised to give her at least a dozen opera critics. She throws it in the trash, but then picks it up and strokes it because it's a sacred mask. Then she carefully draws a # sign on the offending C.

SCENE 8 

ERIK: on phone I know Nadir. Trust me, that fop would never be able to win Christine's affections. Not in a thousand years. He's a _fop_ Nadir.

SCENE 9 

AUCTIONEER: And now for the grand finale of the round the world revue, the ballet from Act 3!

Scene openes to a bunch of Pink tutus poking up from behind a fence and some disturbing meowing noises.

VOICES: Meow. Meow. Meow.

RANDOM SHRIEK: He's there, the Phantom of the Opera

HURRIED WHISPERING: Meg! That's the wrong show.

Four dancers pop up and commence to tour jete most enthusiastically.

GIRLS: Meow. Meow! Meow! Meow!

More dancers appear. Some have tried to look like cats. Some just settled for being meowing faeries. They tendeu and fouette and grande battements and bouree en pointe. They don't even remotely resemble a cabaret group. Some of the more wild ones have put taps on their pointe shoes.

A TAIL appears over the fence. A somber cat with whiskers pasted on her face emerges over the top of the fence. It is GIRY.

GIRY: sings

Memoreeeeeeee all alone in the

Moooooooonliiiiiiight

I can smile at the oooooooolld daaaaaaays

I was beautiful theeen.

When the dawwwwwwwn comes

Tonight will be a meeeeeeemory tooooooo

I hate my life and wish to die.

I have never been so humiliated.

Thank you

AUDIENCE applauds sporadically

AUTHOR: GIRY! Sing the song or the girl gets it! Holds up Meg.

GIRY: but the Phantom promised that she'd be Empress of the World.

sighs

OK.

sings

You know you've been mean to me

looks accusingly at author

And you know, when you're mean to me

How it makes me want to tell Erik to kill you

And there's always a danger that some gentle stranger

Might string you up and leave you all alone to diiiiiiieeeeeee!

AUTHOR: put some shmaltz into it Giry!

GIRY: looking about twenty years younger

So tip me poppa poppa tip me nice!

GIRLS: Meow, meow!

GIRY: Tip me money poppa, melt the ice

GIRLS: And you know how!

GIRY: If you want Box Five cleaned up all spiffy

Cross palm with silver

Bribe me you twit

And tip me poppa poppa tip me nice!

Ooohh tip me poppa poppa tip me good

GIRLS: meow meow!

GIRY: oooooh tip me poppa proper

Not with wood

GIRLS: wink and you know how!

GIRY: If you want your salary delivered on time

Give me half of it. Gee that was a bad rhyme

ALL: Tip me poppa poppa tip me good.

GIRY: Promise my girl will be great!

And maybe I won't turn you in

Keep the chorus in line!

Remember I rescued you from certain death!

Give me money and

ALL: tip me poppa poppa tip me good.

GIRY: really getting into the song

If you don't want me out stealing your lassos

Dance a few Pasos

Give it a glass o'

ALL: doing some hip-swinging

tip me poppa, that's my good advice

Tip me poppa! Meow!

Tip me poppa! Meow!

Tip me poppa, tip me pet me nice!

SCENE 10 

ERIK: still on phone Look, Nadir darling I have to go. Giry's almost back. Do you have 1000 buck to lend me? Oh. Do I remember what? Oh, that. Ok, Nadir. Sorry I asked. hangs up

ERIK slumps over to a chair and sits down to read a book. GIRY comes in. Her cheeks are rosy.

GIRY: Oh Erik darling! You got here early!

ERIK: jaw drops to the floor What happened to you?

GIRY: kisses him briefly You said pretend.

ERIK: looks at skimpy black cat costume Pretend I am divinely handsome.

GIRY: It's so sweet of you to be here waiting for me. Just like we were married and I was coming home from work. looks at him you wouldn't make me stop working, would you Erik? After all, I'm the one that makes sure you get your salary.

ERIK: That would be ridiculous. Besides, with your figure, we could start a strip joint.

GIRY: Sweet. And you were reading my book too.

ERIK: flipping through the pages Are there any words?

GIRY: the doctor gave it to me.

ERIK continues flipping through pages, then he stops and hastily closes the book.

GIRY: He said it might help me get rid of my clothes….I mean cold.

ERIK: You could get rid of a lot looking at a book like that.

GIRY: glares at him angrily It's a pscychology book full of Rorschark tests.

ERIK: Yeah.

GIRY: Besides, what would you know about it, you lowlife! It explains all about the female mind and why certain girls do certain things.

ERIK: would it tell me if a certain girl would go for a certain guy which you wouldn't think she would do so?

GIRY: No matter how awful a guy seems some cat will go for him. Just look at us.

ERIK: I wasn't talking about you. Get dressed will you! I'm trying to be repressed over here!

GIRY: I'm getting a raise next week, will you marry me?

ERIK: Of course, when hell freezes over. I'm in love with Christine.

GIRY: flatly you've been engaged to me for fourteen years. Besides, I have no idea what to tell Meg.

ERIK: you told Meg that we were engaged?

GIRY: Well Meg's not an idiot. I told her that we were already married.

ERIK: and she can't tell the difference.

GIRY: Well maybe she is an idiot. And after about two years…after…OhgreatIcan'tsayit.

ERIK: uninterested I murdered you in the torture chamber?

GIRY: You wrote the stupid script. Just shut up and listen. We had a baby.

ERIK: jumps out of his seat GIRY! suddenly interested Girl or Boy?

GIRY: Boy. He had your nose and my ears. I named him after you.

ERIK: Ouch.

GIRY: By the way. What is your name?

ERIK: Oh shut up.

GIRY: That isn't all, there's more.

ERIK: Oh just great, we also have another one named after you!

GIRY: Predictable isn't it?

ERIK: By the way, what's _your_ name?

GIRY: That's classified. You have to be a rabid Leroux fan to even catch it.

ERIK: Ok, spit it out. What's the grand total?

GIRY: five.

ERIK: And Meg fell for it.

GIRY: she thinks they're invisible like you. She still thinks you're a ghost.

ERIK: rubs chin with admiration That's quite a stunt. I wonder if I could pull that on the managers. But that's no excuse, your conduct in this matter has been shameful!

GIRY: If you'd've marrried me we wouldn't be in this mess.

ERIK: Ok. When pigs can fly.

GIRY: Marry me or I'll make _your_ pig fly! All we need is a liscense and a blood test.

ERIK: How 'bout birth certificate? No can do. I have no identification. I am the Opera Ghost!

GIRY: We'll go to Vegas. Just marry me.

ERIK: I hate life. I already look like a walking corpse and some medical quack is going to open my veins just when I'm about to get married? I'd rather spend my whole life critiquing opera.

GIRY: You. Gave. That. Up. Remember?

ERIK: Sure I did. Know why? Because I hate it as much as I love you.

GIRY: You're running the opera critique again.

ERIK: How could you tell.

GIRY: I know you. Have fun. Drop dead.

ERIK: Thanks I knew you would undrstand.

GIRY tries to stifle it, but she SNEEZES

ERIK LEAVES.

FANS: Erik has left the building! Muahahaha!

GIRY opens the PSHYCHOLOGY BOOK

sings

It says here.

The average unmarried female

Basically insecure

Due to some long frustration, may react

With psychosomatic symptoms

Difficult to endure

Affecting the upper respiratory tract.

looks up

In other words

Just from seeing Christine with that plain little band of gold

A person. Can develop a cold.

You can save the man from a circus, you can put him to work

You can give him a house and a lake and a boat, but it, just won't work

If she can't get him to see her and he'd rather lurk

A person. Can develop a cold.

picks up book again

It says here.

The female remaining single

Constantly in suspense

Shows a neurotic tendency, see note.

Note?

Note.

Chronic organic syndroms

Toxic or hypertense

Involving the eye, the ear, the nose, and throat.

slams book down

In other words

Just from wondering was Buquet murdered or did he jump,

A person, can become a real grump.

You can wonder away at Piangi and at the Count Philippe

But if you want to relax and be happy and to get some sleep

You can rationalize and deny and repress but the real fact is…

A person, can become a real grump.

And furthermore,

Just from thinking about his childhood and his youth

A person, can be very uncouth.

When the opera gala is scheduled

And he's coming in grand attire

And you dress up your best in a red velvet dress

Like his, flaming funeral pyre!

And he dances away with a chorus girl for the fourteenth time!

A person, can be very uncouth.

Oh uncouth, un-bloody well won't be you-couth, with the sarcasm, and the cane, and the die if you cross me black stare, and a blasted runny nose!

she sneezes

From a lack of communication

And the fact that she's not that old!

A person.

Can develop a BAD bad, cold!

sneezes

SCENE 11 

CHRISTINE and PHILIPPE are walking around the streets. CHRISTINE is singing the Jewel song from FAUST. PHILLIPE is a one man band. RAOUL is following at a safe distance.

CHRISTINE: Ah my beauty past compare!

RAOUL: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! My BEEEEEEEEYEWWWWWTY

CHRISTINE: embarrased These jewels bright I wear.

RAOUL: dramatically holding up an imaginary necklace THESE JEEEEEEWWWWWELLLLS BRIIIIIGHT I WEEEEEAAAAR!

CHRISTINE: it would be less disturbing if you weren't a better soprano than I am.

RAOUL: I'm just talented. Want to smash my face against your knee again? It turns me on.

CHRISTINE thinks about it, then walks away. PHILLIPE follows, honking and clanging with every step. RAOUL takes a bow to the crowd that has collected and follows them.

SCENE 12 

ERIK is absorbed in being, well, self absorbed. He's having a one man pity party. FIRMIN and ANDRE stop him on the street.

FIRMIN: Hey big guy! You should have been there. Christine just gave Raoul the gate.

ERIK: perks up Really?

ANDRE: You're soooo winning the bet that he can't carry her off to Antarctica tomorrow.

ERIK: sinks back into despair

ANDRE: Why aren't you happy? Has Firmin forgotten your salary again?

ERIK: laughs Who will deliver my salary to my box, let me ask you that!

ANDRE: I can't believe it, you're in love with Giry. Look, do you know what's at stake here? Erik Detroit's opera critique! I cannot belive that a number 1 businessman like you would go and fall in love with his own fiancee!

ERIK: Oh shut up. I have a weakness. Can't you get over it. What am I supposed to be? Some godlike phantom who controls an entire city by marionette strings?

ANDRE and FIRMIN ponder this.

ERIK: Look, everyone has this problem. All over the world. Just let me be a normal guy for once!

sings

Look what's playing at the Roxie.

half of audience goes into trance and starts walking toward nearest mirror

I'll tell you what's playing at the Roxie

A picture about a French aristocrat so in love with a Scandinavian girl that he runs into the sea to get her red scarf she bought in Belloxie

That's what's playing at the Roxie

ANDRE:

What's in the daily news?

I'll tell you what's in the daily news.

Story about two guys who are so tied up with threatening notes and kidnapped divas that they pay an outrageous salary to some bloke who can't even tie his shoes.

That's what's playing in the daily news.

ERIK is too depressed with himself to notice the insult.

FIRMIN:

What's happening all over?

I'll tell you what's happening all over.

Teenage girls sitting by their computer screens typing horrible recasting of various broadway shows and bashing Raoul sober.

That's what's happening all over.

points accusingly at computer screen

ALL:

Love is the thing that has licked 'em.

ERIK: morosely And it looks like I'm just another victim.

Yes sir.

When you see a guy

Kidnap, murder and lie

You can bet, that he's doing it for some doll

FIRMIN:

When you spot a mask peering out of the dark.

You can bet that he's not looking at the scenery in the park

ANDRE:

When you get a note

And in blood it is wrote

FIRMIN:

Written!

ANDRE: glaring

You can bet a chandelier is about to fall!

ERIK: Call it tragic, farce, or comic

But it's center-toned D harmonic

That the guy's only doing it for some doll.

ANDRE:

When you see a joe

Trade his heart for a …woman

You can bet, he'll be throwing it on some doll

ERIK: speaking I didn't understand a word of that. I'll pretend I didn't hear.

FIRMIN:

When a bum builds rooms

filled with ribbons and bows

You can bet that he gives his very last cent

To someone who knows.

ERIK:

When you meet a dope

Who can't let go of hope

That his voice over his dame he can enthrall

ALL: It's the girl that he's fond 'o

But it's Andante Ritardando

That the guy's only doing it for some doll

ANDRE:

When you see a jape

Who looks good in a cape

You can bet that she's seeing him at the mall

FIRMIN:

When you see a red apparition of death

Why does that make you think

To run to the roof and go catch your breath?

ERIK:

When some lazy goat

Buys a boat for his moat.

And he starts writing notes with astounding gall

ALL:

Play in flats pittsicatta

It's a serious Bach Cantata

That the guy's only doing it for some doll.

Some doll

Some doll

Some doll.

The guy's only doing it for some doll

SCENE 13 

CHRISTINE and PHILLIPE are walking back to the SALVATION ARMY after a HARD DAY'S WORK

CHRISTINE: Does he remind you of Marlon Brando?

PHILIPPE: looking around I don't see him. I think he left after you shattered his glasses with that high C

CHRISTINE: Still, he was kinda cute. I still hate him though.

PHILIPPE: Erik will be glad to hear it.

THEY walk into the MISSION. Standing in her 'hannibal' costume is CARLOTTA

PHILIPPE: awestruck General!

CHRISTINE: gritting teeth So nice to have you make this surprise visit.

CARLOTTA: I am a heere to shut down your leetle eeenseeegneeefeeecant opera!

CHRISTINE: NOOOOO! I mean…Go ahead. I'm flunking this job anyway.

CARLOTTA: Ah! The chorus girl conceeeedas thata my voice is piu non posso superior to hers!

CHRISTINE: under her breath frog lady.

RAOUL: popping up from behind a door Hi there?

CARLOTTA: Ere ees a young man who knows the beeeeeeyeeewwty of my voice! Oo are you young man?

RAOUL: Pookie, the Viscount de Chagney.

CARLOTTA: I am Carlotta, the head of the Salvation Army.

EVERYONE shakes head and wondered how in heck she got _that_ job.

CHRISTINE: That's my dressing room! YOU were listening at doors again!

RAOUL: hurt I was practicing my scales. Carlotta don't close this place!

CHRISTINE: I take all of it back. Shut me down. Board up the walls.

PHILLIPE: Continue brother…Pookie.

RAOUL: General Carlotta, give Christine thirty six hours to get her act together.

CARLOTTA: you eeeentreeeeege me. Why thirty six hours?

PHILLIPE: Because we're having a masquerade ball in thirty six hours.

RAOUL: picks up the mask with the opera score printed on the front and the IOU several critics, love pookie printed on the back Whaddaya say Christine?

CHRISTINE: I still hate you.

RAOUL: Carlotta, come to the ball. I'm sure people would love to hear your aria from Hannibal.

CARLOTTA: will there be creeetics there?

RAOUL: looks over at Christine

CHRISTINE: definitely.

SCENE 14 

PIANGI'S BAR is crowded with a bunch of opera critics. They are all wearing a black cape, a black fedora, and a chic little white half-mask.

ANDRE: Make sure you're wearing all of it. Just so you're not conspicuous. Remember what Erik told us, no one gets to be a really good critic without they are wearing a cape, hat and mask.

NADIR the NEWT: When did Erik say _that?_

ANDRE: just wear it ok?

ERIK walks in. He is wearing a pinstriped blue suit and a full face, black mask. He looks morose as usual. No cape. No hat.

ANDRE: there you are already. Can we play now?

ERIK: Shut up. Raoul hasn't paid up yet. he walks over to Nadir How are you tonight Nadir?

NADIR: I hope you will not spoil our evening. I have brought someone whom I will introduce to you. Erik, I would like you to meet Big Julie from Chicaco.

SULTANA of MAZENDRAN turns around : Hey hot lips. Call me Julie. Shall we go somewhere a little more private?

ERIK: eep.

NADIR: and don't make a big deal about the fact that she's drinking poison without the slightest after effects.

ERIK: eep.

NADIR: she can get very upset.

ERIK: eep.

SULTANA: Oh I don't care. Come here my little sugar daddy and give me some lovin'

ERIK: makes frantic dash and tries to drink Sultana's poison eep.

ENTER MIFROID

MIFROID: Well well. The operas must have emptied all their worst critics into this joint. Oh look, everyone's here! walks around the room Nadir the Newt , Hot Lips Detroit Erik shudders , Piangi the Tenor, Society Jammes, …and who's this babe? Where are you from?

SULTANA: Your worst nightmare.

MIFROID: with nerves of steel And what is your occupation there?

SULTANA: I'm the one with the gallon jug of whipped cream and the maracas.

MIFROID: eep.

SULTANA: Erik he's funny, kill him for me will you?

ERIK: eep.

MIFROID: Why what fashionable clothes everyone is wearing. They look like…wait, it's coming to me….just on the tip of my tongue…oh yeah, OPERA GHOSTS!

ERIK: If you notice, I am dressed normally.

MIFROID: Because you _are_ the opera ghost. Where's the opera critique going to be?

ERIK: Would I do such a thing?

MIFROID: They're all wearing capes and hats and masks! Don't tell me that it isn't obvious.

ERIK: They are also all wearing pants.

FIRMIN and ANDRE: Oh no!

ERIK: shudders I'll try to ignore that.

ENTER GIRY she proceeds to IGNORE ERIK.

ERIK: I could kill myself right now.

ANDRE: bright idea lightbulb popping up from his head What's the use of keeping it a secret Erik?

ERIK: NOOOO! I can see into your mind! Don't do this to me!

MIFROID: Ok, spill the beans.

ANDRE: It's a bachelor party. Erik's going to marry Giry tomorrow.

MIFROID: Oh , well, I guess everything all right then. See ya later boys.

EXIT MIFROID

ERIK: why didn't I think of that?

GIRY: OOOOOOOHHH ERIK I THOUGHT YOU"D NEVER DO IT! I LOVE YOU YOU MASKED MADMAN!

ERIK: oh yeah, that's why.

GIRY: Speech, Erik.

ANDRE and FIRMIN: yeah, speech.

ERIK: I do better singing.

EVERYONE settles down to be thrilled. ERIK gives BLACK LOOK to everyone.

ERIK: (rolls eyes)

Unaccustomed as I am to gentle females

I am taking this occasion here to say

That Me, and Giry, and Meg I suppose,

Are finally naming the day.

Though she knows deep in her heart,

I was responsible for the chandelier, Buquet, and Piangi.

She doesn't care that I planned it only as a start

And she wants to join in on the take.

Murderes, everywhere,

Happy killing and they share

Joy in the slaughtered masses

Joy in the snap of punjabbed throats

storm the castle, wade the moat

Sacrifice the blood of a goat

So we'll start on the hearts

Of those lazy ballet tarts

I got a Mrs. T—

'Cause murderers, everywhere

black mascara, lousy hair

can't one up Giry and Me

GIRY: (smiling happily, goes and hugs Erik)

ERIK: (very weirded out)

ANDRE: Oh I'm so happy I could cry! You both have my congratulations. I just sincerely hope that there's nothing in heredity.

ERIK: (growls threateningly and reaches in coat for Punjab)

ANDRE: (scampers off whimpering)

NADIR: Erik, you really got a good one. She is a most beautiful doll indeed. What do you think, Sultana?

SULTANA: (whimpering and moaning) Ooh Erik, if you only looked at me that way. I mean… I must critique an opera soon, or, well, you know.

FIRMIN: (Runs in) Erik! Erik!

ERIK: You've got the money!

FIRMIN: even worse.

CHRISTINE'S OPERA BAND is playing outside the window. ERIK rushes over to the window. CHRISTINE is not there. There is a scarecrow with a sign hung around it's neck labeled 'CHRISTINE' and PHILLIPE is waving it about and singing for it in as high a falsetto as he can. There is a significant sized crowd gathered.

ERIK: (gritting teeth) Hand me my detonator caps will you? I have an opera house to blow up.

SCENE 15 

CHRISTINE and RAOUL are in ANTARCTICA. They are both wearing ESKIMO clothes and huddling around a hole in the ice ICE FISHING. CHRISTINE is reading a BOOK about the great WARS fought in ANTARCTICA. In the background a voice is singing

ROMANTIC VOICE:

_Ay en tu mirar_

_Cierta luz del amor_

La luz, que quieres, a pagar 

CHRISTINE: It says here that on this spot sixty thousand men met their doom while being impaled on icicles and skinned alive. Isn't it fascinating ? Hugron the Intoxicated let a huge battle against the Frygians and Mixolydian Scales here. It wasn't until the Locrian Heralds arrived that the Piccardy third was announced and the war was ended.

RAOUL: (looking excitedly at his fishing pole) Ooh I may have got a nibble.

ROMANTIC VOICE:

Yo se, bien Yo se 

_Es la luz del amor_

_Cuando lumbla cual sol_

Tu miro! 

RAOUL: You silly female. You should be interested in my fishing.

CHRISTINE: Why?

RAOUL: Because the moonlight is so bright that you can read your book by it.

CHRISTINE: So? I have a flashlight with me too, if you want me to use that instead.

ROMANTIC VOICE:

_Ay en tu mirar_

_Cierta luz del amor_

_Y priaror para mi_

_Tu miro _

RAOUL: I could critique that music! It's quite nice actually!

CHRISTINE: (grumbling) Anyone would think we were in Cuba or something. I wish he'd play some Wagner.

RAOUL: I think you are the worst opera singer in the world. Has anyone ever told you that? You could be buried in ice up to your neck and then thrown to a murderous mass of pihrana and then you'd sound exactly the same as when you sing your arias.

CHRISTINE: Indeed.

RAOUL: In fact, I think that would turn me on. Actually. Come on, let's go get dinner.

They WANDER around on the ICEBERG until they find a HANDY LITTLE BURGER JOINT.

SCENE 16 

WAITER: Would you like fries with that?

ROMANTIC VOICE:

_Por que por que_

_Ignorar_

_Este amor sin igual_

_Por que _

_Este amor e cantar_

RAOUL: Come on Dame, he asked you a question. I haven't got all night.

CHRISTINE: Um. I can't eat fried food. It's bad for the vocal chords

RAOUL: Pipe down lady, I said order!

CHRISTINE: I'd like some lukewarm water, please

RAOUL: (to the waiter) Gimme a pepperoni and a triple cheese anchovie with extra pepperchini and garlic butter. And a gallon jug of helium.

WAITER: Certamente senor. Momento.

ROMANTIC GUITAR PLAYERS wander past. They are picking out solemnly and steadily the theme to MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

RAOUL: da da DA DA da da DU DU da da DA DA. BADo WIEEEEEEUUUUU Ba DU WOOOOOOO! Come on Christine, sing with me. I love this song.

CHRISTINE: Forgive me if I decline.

RAOUL: You're no fun.

The WAITER brings them a large PIZZA and a pressureized bottle of HELIUM.

CHRISTINE: Helium has got to be bad for your voice

RAOUL: Uh…only in the day time. At night there are no ultraviolet rays to stop you!

CHRISTINE: Geez that sounds like a plausible explanation.

CHRISTINE takes the jug of helium and turns it on and takes a DEEP BREATH.

CHRISTINE: Wow this is fun! I can't believe I've never tried this before! I'm having the greatest time of my life! Raoul, you don't think I'm no fun, do you?

RAOUL: In fact, I think you're about the most fun I've had in at least two weeks.

RAOUL tells the WAITER to bring them more HELIUM.

SCENE 17 

RAOUL had taken CHRISTINE to a DIFFERENT JOINT. This one is much more…jointy. There are SEVERAL SURLY BALLERINAS lining the walls who look like they want to DANCE. One of them looks suspiciously like MEG in a GROUCHO GLASSES DISGUISE.

CHRISTINE: I wonder if I can sing an aria like this? AAAAAAAYYYYY EEEEEEEn Tu miiiiiiiiraaaaaaaaarrr Cierta luuuzzzzz dela mooooooooooooor!

RAOUL: I'm glad you like the song now.

CHRISTINE: (leans forward, her voice is returning to normal) How much do you know about life?

RAOUL: We could go upstairs and find out.

CHRISTINE: I'm terribly repressed you know. I feel that I can't express my feelings or make a move on this guy that I really like. I'm so wishy washy you wouldn't believe.

RAOUL: Have some more helium.

CHRISTINE: (picks up a greasy piece of pizza and chews on it sloppily) Oh no. I'm going to help you out, first.

RAOUL: Ok.

CHRISTINE: You were unhappy that I didn't care beans about that scarf you got all wet to save from the ocean.

RAOUL: Actually yes.

CHRISTINE: I failed you. I'm a failure. I should go kill myself.

RAOUL: Isn't that from La Boheme? Mimi's song about love? Third measure from D?

CHRISTINE: I'm so sorry to make you sad. I feel like crying. But I intend to make it up to you.

RAOUL: ooooohh goodie!

CHRISTINE: I intend to sing you every opera so you can critique it at your leisure.

RAOUL: I think I'd rather critique _you_ at my leisure.

CHRISTINE: Your words made a deep impression on me. I think I want to live with you now.

RAOUL: (wordlessly hands her the helium bottle)

CHRISTINE: (breathes the whole thing in) How can an opera critic hope to get good at the job if he doesn't have a girl to come home to and cook his meals. Why, what's a critic without a housewife anyways?

RAOUL: I'm liking you better and better the more you get slammed!

CHRISTINE: Trample me! I'll be your slave! Lock me in a closet and beat me with chains!

RAOUL is thinking he should have picked some place other than a ARCTIC climate. It would have been much EASIER in a TROPICAL place. RAOUL looks very uncomfortably warm in his ESKIMO SUIT. He leans over to KISS CHRISTINE but the ESKIMO SUIT BELLY gets in the way and they CAN'T REACH.

THE BALLET CORPS begins doing a dance. RAOUL and CHRISTINE join in. They all start doing PENGUIN IMPRESSIONS. Things begin to get pretty GRAPHIC, so the next bit is CENSORED.

Let's just say CHRISTINE WINS.

SCENE 18 

RAOUL is FRANTICALLY dunking CHRISTINE'S HEAD into the ARCTIC OCEAN. CHRISTINE is GIGGLING UNCONTROLLABLY.

RAOUL: (whispering in a frightened voice) Die! Just die. Come on, won't you just die!

CHRISTINE: (blowing bubbles underwater)

RAOUL: Oh please, just die. How am I ever going to tell Phillipe about _this_ one.

CHRISTINE: (sits up suddenly and get water all over Raoul) You know, I just had the funniest feeling that I heard someone talking about death! How rrrrromantic!

RAOUL: (leans away from Christine and crosses himself)

CHRISTINE: (singing)

Ask me how do I feel

RAOUL: Don't bother, I already know.

CHRISTINE:

Ask me now that we're plastered and freezing

Well sir, all I can say

Is if I were with Erik I'd do some pleasing!

RAOUL: (heartbroken) Erik?

CHRISTINE:

From the moment you started to sing

I realized that Erik's one of a kind!

Boy, if I was here with him now

I wouldn't be listening to you!

(giggles some more)

Ask me how do I feel

And who I want to steal my breath

Well pookie, all I can say is

If I were with Erik, for him I'd chose death!

And If I were in sexier clothes Id start

Popping my stays!

Or, If he asked me out, I'd follow him all my days!

RAOUL: NO! In this song you're supposed to let go of your inhibitions and fall in love with _me._

CHRISTINE: (lustily launching into the second verse)

Ask me how did I feel

When he kidnapped and ravished and frightened me

Well sir, all I can say is when he sang that song I was burning!

So don't bother to try it Raoul

I've decided that you're just not cool

Boy, you can't sing worth beans

And I don't want a boy just from school!

Ask me how did I feel

When he pulled my career from the chorus

Pal, all I can say is that he's got more talent than your-'s

RAOUL: but dearest

CHRISTINE:

Ask me how did I start to decide

To chart my ways!

So when he asks me out, I'll follow him all my days!

RAOUL grabs CHRISTINE and kisses her while muttering things like 'SO HAWT' and 'WOMAN' This time CHRISTINE does not KNEE him in the NOSE. She is, to coin a phrase, HOLDING HER OWN.

RAOUL: You frighten me.

CHRISTINE: I want to ditch Erik and live with you in Antartica for the rest of….a couple days.

RAOUL: Gee, that sounds nice. Except that I think you are going to murder me or something.

CHRISTINE: No I won't, honest.

RAOUL: you are loaded in more ways than…..three. No dice, I'm taking you back to Paris. We won't have to wear Eskimo Suits there.

CHRISTINE: Good idea. Kiss me again.

RAOUL tries, but CAN'T REACH

CHRISTINE starts pouting and THREATENS to SING a ROMANTIC SONG.

RAOUL: Look Christine. You can't be _this_ easy. I have to have _some_ kind of challenge or it's no fun.

CHRISTINE: You like me better when I knee you in the face, that's it?

RAOUL: well…uh….yes. Actually the only reason I took you here is that I bet Erik that I could take you to dinner.

CHRISTINE: Did you win the bet?

RAOUL: You're starting to frighten me again. Let's go.

CHRISTINE: ok.

SCENE 19 

RAOUL and CHRISTINE are strolling around the RED-LIGHT DISTRICT of NEW YORK CITY at THREE in the MORNING. They are the ONLY people around. RAOUL is presumably walking CHRISTINE back to the SALVATION ARMY.

CHRISTINE: looking across the street at the Salvation Army Gee, we have to walk all that way?

RAOUL and CHRISTINE carry on an INANE romantic conversation. They obviously LIKE each other. As if we COULDN'T TELL. ERIK is SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY in the WINGS on STAGE LEFT.

RAOUL: Listen!

CHRISTINE: What?

RAOUL: Orchestra music! I think I feel a song coming on.

CHRISTINE: Could you sing that song that they were singing in Antarctica? I like that one now.

RAOUL: But I don't speak Spanish.

CHRISTINE: Well just make it up or something.

RAOUL: It's going to be terribly romantic

CHRISTINE: Bring it on. I'll critique you later.

RAOUL: singing

My pants are the pants of a very French dance

With doodads and gold braid down the sides

I hop and I twirl to the very French dance

It's not my fault that people run and hide!

They hide from the way that my pants glow and shine

They don't understand what they see

One thing you will see, is that I just love me!

And you will grovel to the shine of my pants!

Yes you will grovel when you see my French dance.

RAOUL reaches for CHRISTINE'S neck like he's going to STRANGLE her. After all, it is a FRENCH DANCE. CHRISTINE IS NOT DISTURBED. She BREAKS into SONG.

CHRISTINE: singing

I like your pants more then Erik's

Your's don't look like a cleric's

This may be the day that I dump him for you

I just can't decide when or how.

I think it is best if I string him along

That way he'll cry and he'll die of a broken heart

What a great way for our new life to start.

BOTH: What a great way for our new life to start!

SUDDENLY they hear the OVERTURE to SWEENEY TODD THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET. They turn to see COUNT PHILLIPE staggering across the street, EXHAUSTED. He is playing a ONE MAN BAND version of SWEENEY TODD. The other MEMBERS of the Salvation Army TRUDGE after him, SINGING solemnly. PHILLIPE collapses at CHRISTINE'S FEET.

PHILLIPE: gasping It's a hit. They say the show will run for twenty years.

CHRISTINE: you what?

PHILLIPE: we took Broadway!

CHRISTINE: who was watching the store?

STINGY STINGY FIRMIN runs by just as POLICE SIRENS start wailing. He runs into the SALVATION ARMY yelling his head off. Out come several SUSPICIOUS looking men in OPERA CAPES and TOP HATS. RAOUL makes a grab for ERIK as he runs by but misses.

SULTANA OF MAZENDRAN: Come back Erik, won't you sing that one from Turnadot one more time for Julie Baby?

ERIK does not stop running.

CHRISTINE: watching Erik run off You know, Raoul, his pants don't look so bad after all.

INSPECTOR MIFROID: jumping out of a police car Where'd everybody go?

RAOUL: Wait, I thought you were dumping him.

CHRISTINE: bursting into tears Inspector Mifroid I love youuuuuuuu. I don't like theeeeeeeemmmmm at allllll.

MIFROID LOOKS HAPPY until RAOUL kicks him in the SHINS.

CHRISTINE: I wanna go back to the Salvation Armyyyyyy. runs inside and closes door

MIFROID: Ooooh I was _that_ close!

SCENE 20 

ANNOUNCER: and now, our feature attraction, world renown, the hot box proudly presents the sheep ballet !

SHEEP?

RAOUL walks into the cabaret and sits down at a table with STINGY STINGY FIRMIN. FIRMIN does not look happy.

FIRMIN: Stingy stingy stingy stingy

RAOUL: Erik give you another salary bill?

FIRMIN: worse. Stingy stingy stingy stingy.

RAOUL: worse? For you what could be worse?

FIRMIN: have you seen or talked to Giry recently?

A bunch of BALLERINAS are leading SHEEP around the stage in a METICULOUSLY CHOREOGRAPHED pattern. The SHEEP are wearing PINK DRESSES. MME GIRY walks to the center of the stage and bangs her cane on the floor. She is NOT SMILING.

GIRY:

I went to a circus, once long ago

And I saw a ragged old freak

It was not long until

An old man did he kill

But I've always had a mean streak

So I let him go

But has he ever shown any gratitude?

Certainly not, as I recall.

So I left him a note for the Ball

Get your own drink

Steal your own girls

No more am I

Your faithful minion squirrel

Run your own stage

Clean your own box

You've just seen Giry

Turn over a new page

I thought the tips and chocolate and the praise for Meg

Meant that you'd eventually see

That I loved you terribly and you'd come to be

Somehow in love with me!

So, now I need a shrink

To deal with the loss

But I just wanted to tell you

You're no longer my boss!

The music changes and the BALLERINAS start pulling the DRESSES off of the SHEEP.

BALLET: get your own drink! rrrrrip

AUDIENCE: shrieks in panicked horror

BALLET: steal your own girls!

AUDIENCE: Stripper sheep! Auuuggggghhhhhh!

SHEEP?

BALLET:

No more are we.

Frightened of your stupid nose

shrieks I'm _screaming_

Run your own stage

Clean your own box.

MEG: HE'S HERE THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

BALLET:

Go get a maid

Don't expect us to wash your old socks!

ANDRE: runs onto the stage Ladies and Gentlemen don't panic! It was an accident! Simply an accident!

AUDIENCE: panics

BALLET proceeds to lead the SHEEP around the stage in a PROVOCATIVE MANNER.

AUDIENCE: panics

SCENE ENDS right before MASS PANDEMONIUM breaks out.

SCENE 21 

RAOUL: freaky.

FIRMIN: yeah. And I have to tell _that_ loose cannon that Erik isn't going to marry her tonight after all.

RAOUL: bummer.

FIRMIN: Yeah. The Sultana wouldn't hear of it.

RAOUL: _Erik's eloping with the Sultana?_

FIRMIN: Well that's not how _he_ puts it. _He_ says they have to go over the critique of Carmen one more time.

RAOUL: so you're having another opera critique?

FIRMIN: Of course. What do you think Erik gets paid all this money to do? Break light fixtures? He's our resident Professor of Music.

RAOUL: You know, I never liked the way Giry upstaged Nadir in the musical. I'd love to break her little treacle-ey black heart. Let me tell her the news.

FIRMIN: Requiescat Im Pace….by the way, we're having another opera critique tonight

RAOUL: Take me to your leader. That is, after I have my fun with Giry. I'll only be a couple of minutes.

SCENE 22 

RAOUL is walking down the corridor to GIRY'S DRESSING ROOM. RAOUL appears to be LOST. A HAND reaches out and grabs his arm.

GIRY: Come with me monsieur! Hurry or we shall be too late!

RAOUL: Right on. Where are we going?

GIRY: Keep your hand at the level of your eyes!

GIRY leads RAOUL in CIRCLES for a while and then takes him to her DRESSING ROOM. RAOUL is VERY ALARMED. GIRY proceeds to tell him THE STORY OF ERIK'S LIFE AND OTHER ADVENTURES.

GIRY: So, are you here to escort me to the judge? I assume you're Erik's best man. she tears out some of her hair Although _why _I would assume this other than the _stupid idiotic script_ says I have to I don't know. Erik hates you.

RAOUL: That's ok, I hate him back.

GIRY: And I hate you too, double.

RAOUL: points fingers back at her and wiggles them With a cherry on top.

GIRY: You have a message to give me, I assume. Something along the lines of 'Giry my love, the show was great but that third trombone needs to stop using a toilet plunger as a mute or I shall strangle him love your non-opera critiquing fiancée Erik'. she starts getting excited Did you see the stripper sheep? Isn't that lousy? Erik will be furious about that! I can't wait to tell him.

RAOUL: Actually Erik isn't here.

GIRY: gives Raoul the look-of-death Why did I sing that song. I jinxed the whole evening. Let me guess.

RAOUL: He has a sick relative…

GIRY: His mother.

RAOUL: and she…

GIRY: wanted him to build her an opera house despite the fact that she locked him in a closet for ten years?

RAOUL: gee you're good at this.

GIRY: Yeah. His _floating opera-loving_ mother. He's running that crappy opera critique again, isn't he.

RAOUL: …well…It's Puccini month. How could he resist?

GIRY: But he promised to CHANGE!

RAOUL: You know Erik. Does this surprise you? I mean, you take the guy's mask of and he figures you're his own private property. You hire him as a singing coach and all of the sudden he wants you to sign away your soul in blood. You don't pay him his salary and he throws a major-ly destructive tantrum and smashes all the furniture. And when he gets a chance to leave the opera and marry Christine, he totally stands her up and goes back to his own little micromanaged world. Does this sound like a guy who is open–minded about change?

GIRY: grrrr

RAOUL: I thought you _liked_ him all angsty and filled with grief.

GIRY: I just want to live a nice normal married life that's all.

RAOUL: Don't mention the word 'normal' around Erik. It gives him hives.

GIRY: I just want a normal home under the opera with…..with a torture chamber….and a gigantic wall with the Dies Irae written all over it. bursts into sobs I want to sleep in a coffinnnnnnnn!

RAOUL: eyes getting really tiny and scared erp. I was going to say something about you should marry a normal person, but I guess you and Erik are um….right for each other. Very right.

GIRY: ignores him. Continues sobbing

RAOUL: Just don't be so demanding. Let him be late for ballet practice a few times…no that's not what I meant. Um, Giry? Lighten up.

GIRY: tears smearing all that black mascara Easy for you to talk! You're not in love with Erik!

RAOUL: …….um……well…..actually…..No I'm definitely not in love with Erik. But I like his cape.

GIRY: He doesn't wear a cape you ignoramus! goes back to crying Just wait 'till you fall in love with somebody you shouldn't. Wait 'till you _do_ fall in love with Erik. Just wait 'till it happens to _you_!

RAOUL: I can pretty safely assure you that I am not going to fall in love with Erik for at least another several hundred millennia.

GIRY: Why _not_? Everyone _else_ falls in love with Erik! Look at all the Phangirls!

RAOUL: I am not a phangirl.

GIRY: Well you dress like one.

RAOUL: straightens his Cameron Mackintosh Print Phantom Of The Opera Black T-Shirt Size Extra Small Oh this old thing? Do you like it? I just had to get it to commemorate the first time I saw Phantom. It shows off my boobs.

GIRY: Leave before I bash your head in with my cane!

RAOUL: leaves

SCENE 23 

CHRISTINE and PHILLIPE are standing around the SALVATION ARMY trying to look busy.

PHILLIPE: You should keep going out with my little brother. I think he's a good kid.

CHRISTINE: It's so nice to have an unbiased opinion.

PHILLIPE: I really don't think he organized that critique here last night. How could he do that? He was in Antarctica at the time. You make such a cute couple.

CHRISTINE: I dunno how he did it. Carrier pigeons. It's still no excuse.

PHILLIPE: So…does that mean you forgive my little brother and that you're going to kiss and make up?

CHRISTINE: He's a patron of the arts! A lousy opera critic! And I know I can't change that, and I just want to break the relationship off cold before he starts making cracks about my voice sounding squeaky or something.

PHILLIPE: Oh good. I knew you loved him.

CHRISTINE: You are soooo dense.

At this moment RAOUL magically appears at the door in a PUFF of SPARKLY SMOKE courtesy of INDUSTRIAL BLOOD AND EXPLOSIONS.

RAOUL: haughtily You still have my limited edition Crawford-esque mask that I got when the show opened in San Fransisco. I promised you a dozen opera critics. I intend to keep my word.

CHRISTINE: No actually don't. I never want to see you again.

RAOUL appears not to hear CHRISTINE and he disappears in ANOTHER puff of SPARKLY SMOKE.

PHILLIPE: That was random.

CHRISTINE: Yeah. Beats me.

SCENE 24 

RAOUL and FIRMIN are walking down a very busy street. FIRMIN is looking from side to side NERVOUSLY.

FIRMIN: Just follow me Raoul. We'll get there in just a few minutes.

RAOUL: Where's the critique?

FIRMIN: Look I didn't sign up for this. This is usually Nadir's job. Or Giry's job. So cut me some slack and help me remember that one thing I was supposed to tell you.

RAOUL: Keep your spare keys at the level of your flowerpot?

FIRMIN: ooh I think that must be close.

RAOUL: Keep your bed ruffle at the level of your floor?

FIRMIN: ….thinking mightily…..

RAOUL: Keep your $$ at the level of your &!#?

FIRMIN: no that wasn't it.

RAOUL: Keep your platitudes at the level of your audience?

FIRMIN: That's it! Now follow me into the sewer and I shall lead you to the opera critique.

RAOUL: Can I dive headlong into a suspicious body of water sometime during the trip?

FIRMIN: Be my guest.

They climb down into the SEWER and wander for SEVERAL HOURS. They have ADVENTURES. They almost LOSE a LIMB. They meet INDIANA JONES who is coincidentally in the SAME SEWER SYSTEM looking for the HOLY GRAIL. Then they REALLY have adventures. RAOUL is awarded a MEDAL by the LITTLE GREEN FOLK OF THE SEWER because he was the only one who could SPEAK their LANGUAGE. Just as it gets REALLY EXCITING, they get to ERIK'S HOUSE and find the OPERA CRITIQUE.

SCENE 25 

RANDOM MALE DANCER: dressed in bright orange tappity tappity tappity

RANDOM MALE DANCER: dressed in bright chartreuse TAPPITY tappity tappity

EVERYONE: tappity tappity tappity tappity—BREAK—tappity tappity tappity

ERIK: running around NOOOO be nice to the cat! Aaaaaahhhhh not my best china tea set! Can you guys just calm down for a while? Would you GET OUT OF MY BATHTUB YOU FREAK!

EVERYONE: dressed in random bright colors and contrasting ties tappity tappity tappity tappity t\hey meticulously pantomime the audience of an opera through interpretive dance

EVERYONE: tappity tappity tapppity tappitty tap tap tap tap ba da doo woop tappity tappity tappity

All of the sudden EVERYONE stops dancing and RANDOMLY goes on a COFFEE/SMOKING BREAK . ERIK and the SULTANA OF MAZENDRAN are now ALONE. TOGETHER.

SULTANA: c'mon Erik. Let's shoot crap.

ERIK: how about ….NO. This is a music master class.

SULTANA: you mean this isn't that one musical about gamblers and stuff?

ERIK: It's a parody.

SULTANA: pulls out a gun Well teach me some music or I'll start shooting crap and stuff. We'll start with the organ.

ERIK: this fate which condemns me to wallow—

SULTANA: shoots Erik's Pipe Organ I didn't mean that you moron. Now teach me music or I'll shoot like, your cat and crap.

ERIK: You have absolutely no musical talent. I refuse to accompany you on the piano.

SULTANA: looks pleased which is precisely why I brought my Wagner MIDI CD. So teach me music.

ERIK: as aghast as a music lover can be MIDI is an abomination sent from the pits of hell!

SULTANA: so we'll make it a kind of game. Every time I miss a note you have to do exactly what I say for five minutes.

ERIK: And if you don't miss any notes?

SULTANA: you can microwave the MIDI CD. Fair? rummages around in the gossamer folds of whatever she's wearing. Pulls out a POTO mask and writes on it Here's my mask marker. If you don't accept my terms I shall take it as a personal insult and make you one of my husbands. And then I'll shoot your cat and crap.

ERIK: groans

SULTANA: Oh goodie. Now let's look at my music shall we? I have decided to sing for you 'My Heart Will Go On' from Titanic.

ERIK: now wait that's not fair

SULTANA: Of course I would gladly play 'Fur Elise' for you on the piano.

ERIK: why can't we sing some Mozart?

SULTANA: because I don't speak Italian. But I _do_ know one opera piece.

ERIK: dubious what is it?

SULTANA: 'All I Ask Of You' but I can't sing soprano so I'll be Raoul and you can be Christine.

ERIK: proceeds to tear out the other half of his hair The song! It's in my head! Kill it! Kill it! Get it out! Get it away. OH THE HUMANITY!

SULTANA: good. I knew you'd like it. Now here's your part she hands him the music

ERIK: whimpering, doing the 'night bird echo' thing, looking pitiful

SULTANA: Ok you start.

ERIK: looking morosely at the sheet of paper

I gave you my music…

SULTANA: Ha ha! I win. Now you are my slave for five minutes.

ERIK: No wait! Those are the words!

SULTANA: Nope. I distinctly remember that it goes 'Fryed Eggs Too Make You Sick' And I should know because I sat way at the back of the theater where the acoustics were the best. But just to be sporting, I'll give you a second chance.

ERIK: made your song take wing…

SULTANA: wrong again! It's supposed to be 'Major Wrong T'Whing'

ERIK: t'whing isn't even a word.

SULTANA: scoots closer to Erik Ooooh I love it when you say t'whing like that. she puckers her lips and rubs her hands on her thighs

ERIK: HELP SOMEBODY SAVE ME!

There is LOUD TRUMPET FANFARE and RAOUL appears at the door. He is DRIPPING WET and there are Q-TIPS in his HAIR.

RAOUL: Did I hear somebody call for an opera critic?

SULTANA: Erik I have decided that for the five minutes you have to listen to Raoul sing a song.

ERIK: ……..

SCENE 26 

RAOUL: I wanted to talk to you guys. It was getting kind of lonely with only Firmin for company.

SULTANA: c'mere Raoul and we can shoot stuff and crap. Erik has to obey me for five minutes.

RAOUL: Hey Erik, want to go to a masquerade ball at the Salvation Army in fifteen minutes?

ERIK: I know you have to sing 'Luck be a Lady' just do it and get it over with.

RAOUL: and if I sing it you'll come with me to the masquerade ball? Cause I couldn't get any of my sisters to go and ….well you know…. I couldn't ask a _girl_.

ERIK: just sing the song.

RAOUL: I would, but I can't think of anything that rhymes with 'Luck'

ERIK: walks to nearest wall and starts pounding head against it happy thoughts, happy thoughts

SULTANA: you can sing to my MIDI CD if you want.

RAOUL: smoothes eyebrows handsomely Cue my spotlight!

SPOTLIGHT GOES ON

RAOUL:

I am a handsome fop

I've never touched a mop

My fingers are as white and as smooth as a mooooooovie screen!

My tie is always straight

My hair is always combed

I iron, starch and carefully fold each and eeeeeeevery sock!

I'll save you if you're needy

So phangirls don't be mean

How can a guy like me help that he preens!

Raoul sighs contentedly, and pulls a hand mirror out of his pocket

My shampoo smells like mango!

My shampoo smells like mango!

I tried papaya but it just wasn't perfume-ey.

My shampoo smells like mango!

Clear topcoat strengthens your nails!

Shop for the good off-brand sales!

Be sure to moisturize and tweeze your perfect eyebrows

My shampoo smells like mango!

Try and wax your legs if you can manage

It gets the girls, It feels so silky

And don't forget to put on your eye cream at night

It gives you skin that's soft and milky

Soooo try always buy Mary Kay

Cheap makeup's never the way

Coordinate your scents so that they don't become confusing

My shampoo smells like….

seriously grooving by now

_My_ shampoo smells like…

My shampoo smells like mango!

Boy, Erik I could give you a new look

A little blush, a lipstick taupe

You'd look a whole lot better if you'd just say you'd wear

Concealer on that big green mole!

We'd comb and we'd style your hair

Give you some pink stripes to wear

It's chic and new in fashion, your color and oh so slimming

You're such a spring hue…

We'll get you bling too…

And MYYYYY SHAMPOOOO SMELLLLSSSS LIKE MMAAAAAANGOOOOOOOOOO!

There is a LONG PREGNANT PAUSE. Then the SULTANA bursts into HEARTY APPLAUSE

ERIK: Are you done already?

SCENE 27 

For some STRANGE INEXPLICABLE REASON that the AUTHOR has NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DISCERN, the OPERA CRITIQUE is MAGICALLY moved from UNDERGROUND up to the SECOND STORY of a random building. The SULTANA and NADIR are walking down a STAIRCASE.

SULTANA: do you think Erik would be more attracted to me if I dressed as a lampshade?

NADIR: I think I'm going to go as a zebra.

SULTANA: YOU! You're my chief of police, you can't go to parties! You're supposed to protect me! I'll have your stripes for that!

SULTANA and NADIR remove their HATS in REVERENCE for BLAKE EDWARDS and the PINK PANTHER MOVIE that the last line was STOLEN FROM. The RANDOM and POINTLESS SCENE ends.

SCENE 28 

As ERIK walks down the SAME STAIRCASE some time later. GIRY bursts out from the DARK SHADOWS and TACKLES him by the ANKLES.

ERIK: Giry!

GIRY: Fancy meeting you here! Oh well I'd better be going you louse.

ERIK: Ok, so I have to talk to you.

GIRY: Don't bother. Oi am going off to marry Meg's father.

ERIK: ….but…..I thought….wasn't it obvious that _I_ was….

GIRY: Please. Let us not have a vulgar scene. After all we are civiloyzed people. You lowbrow ingrate! After I gave you the best years of my life!

ERIK: Don't get so upset. It's not like I haven't ever let you down before.

GIRY: Oi am not upset. Oi have succeeded in your not being able to upset me no more.

ERIK: Ok good then. I'm off to dance with Christine at the masquerade ball.

GIRY: You slob! Can't you see that I love you?

ERIK: drat.

GIRY: you promised to marry me! _Fourteen years ago_! What is it with this Christine? Are you going through a mid-life crisis or something?

ERIK: Ok. I'll marry you right now.

GIRY!!!

ERIK: Oh right. I just remembered. I have to present my Magnum Opus 'Don Juan Triumphant' at the Salvation Army's Opera Critic's Masquerade Ball in like ten minutes. So maybe later Giry.

GIRY: You liar! You're just going there so you can grope Christine! She's _Meg's age for crying out loud!_

ERIK: I promised you that Meg would be Empress of the World someday, isn't that enough!

GIRY:

You give me a tip, you scare the ballet

You even have shown me the house where you live

But you chase after dames and you kill their valet

And you're terrorizing the opera again

When I think of the time gone by

And how you ignore my life

I could honestly die

ERIK:

So get yourself a fop and snub me, hurt me

Act just like Christine will you

falling completely out of character and scratching his head

I think I actually love you.

Get engaged to some dope head

Go ahead, see if I notice

I love you

GIRY:

I served you and I saved you and what thanks you give me?

ERIK:

All right already, I made a few mistakes

All right already I'm blind

Out of my mind

Forgive me, give me

A second chance, you'll see

I love you.

GIRY:

But you kill and you maim, you cry and you pout

Don't give me that line 'bout your mother again

And I don't want to hear how she ruined your life

At your tender young age of just three

When I think of the time gone by

And I think of the way you've lied

I could honestly die.

ERIK:

I was stupid and heartless, thoughtless

I know I deserve a lot less

But I love you

I know I'm obsessive, recessive

Ugly and desperate

I love you

GIRY:

If you mention your mask just one more time I swear I'll scream

ERIK:

Enough of this Giry, I know as well as you

Just how wrong I was, okay?

Because,

You were always, always

Truest of hearts always

I love you

GIRY:

Don't give me one love, don't give me one life

I heard when you gave that old schpiel to Christine

And you seem to look through me whenever she's near

And ignore me and trample my pain

Did you think I could see your eyes

Without longing for moonlit skies?

Erik, I could honestly die

ERIK:

Sue me, sue me

Shoot bullets through me

I love you

ERIK leaves to go the masquerade and GIRY watches silently. When he's gone, she starts to cry.

SCENE 29 

CHRISTINE is pacing back and forth. She has come to the masquerade dressed as a SALVATION ARMY OFFICER. In fact, all of the Salvation Army people are dressed as SALVATION ARMY OFFICERS. Even CARLOTTA. However, CARLOTTA has a SWORD and BUCKLER too.

CARLOTTA: Vhere are zee creeeetics! Ooo weeeell leeeesten to my seeeenging? Zis is obviously a ploy to 'elp Chreeestine.

CRHISTINE: dreamily French pants

CARLOTTA: Vell I vill seeemply close down the Salvation Armeeee and yooo vill be sorrryeee!

CHRISTINE: All of the sudden I smell mangoes.

A herd of large CHICKENS walk into the room, closely followed by a LOBSTER, several SUGAR PLUM FARIES, a CHINESE DRAGON, MR. JACK IN THE BOX, a HOT DOG, and an assortment of TOUPEES from the new phantom movie. RAOUL pushes ERIK through the door. ERIK is wearing his MASQUERADE COSTUME OF DOOM.

RAOUL: Oh hi Christine. Just thought I'd drop by. You can give me that mask marker back now since I've brought you a bunch of opera critics to listen to you sing.

PHILLIPE: Thanks bro. All right everyone, we will now be graced with Sorelli's new interpretive ballet.

CHRISTINE: but Sorelli isn't in this parody.

PHILLIPE: looks confused but she's so hawt!

CHRISTINE: Instead Carlotta, the Head of the Salvation Army will sing you Puccini's Madama Butterfly

ERIK: goes pale all of it?

CARLOTTA: vhy of course! Oo would zing eeet if Aiii deed not?

RAOUL: ha! Well that about wraps that up. I'll be off now. You fellows have a good time and be safe!

CARLOTTA: pointlessly ee lahve me! Lahve me lahve me lahve me

CHRISTINE: what you're not staying to hear the cool ending song?

RAOUL: who sings it?

EVERYONE looks around and SQUIRMS.

CHRISTINE: I don't know. Want to stay and find out?

RAOUL: what's it about?

CHRISTINE: dunno. But we're singing it in English so –

RAOUL: nah. Y'lost me there babe. Gotta run, it's getting too deep y'know.

ERIK jumps out of his chair, grabs a HANDY LIGHT FIXTURE and TIES RAOUL to a CHAIR. PEOPLE CHEER. ERIK takes a BOW.

PHILLIPE: Ok, on with the show. Have you guys got any requests that Christine should sing?

There is a LONG SILENCE.

SOME RANDOM GUY: but I don't know any songs……

ERIK: how dare you say that after I have been teaching you opera all semester! Stand up and suggest a song!

SOME RANDOM GUY: I plead the fifth commandment.

SOCIETY JAMMES: Oh pick me pick me! Can Christine sing that one song from that one show?

ERIK: glaring at her Oh _that_ one? No.

NADIR THE NEWT: I think she should sing Jesus Christ Superstar.

SULTANA OF MAZENDRAN: I think she should sing the Trolley Song.

NO ONE MOVES for quite a long time. Crickets do NOT chirp.

ERIK: Firmin….this is where you are supposed to sing that song…

FIRMIN: But I can't until Inspector Mifroid walks in. It says so in the script.

MIFROID: walking through the door Erik—stops to pick some wood out of face, thinks briefly that walking through the door wasn't such a good idea

ERIK: Sing, Firmin, SING for MEEEEEE!

FIRMIN: eep

I'll sing a song 'bout the Phantom of the Opera

The day we met at the Opera Populaire!

The first bassoon had been flatting all his E sharps.

And the third trombone was pulling out his hair

And I said to Andre, 'you clown, we need an opera ghost'

EVERYONE: said to Andre, 'you clown, we need an opera ghost'

FIRMIN:

and he said 'how're we gonna pay him?

if we missed a month then we might be toast'

EVERYONE: You clown, you clown, you clown, you clown, we need an opera ghost!

FIRMIN:

So late that night when Giry brought us his letter

I looked real mad but was really overjoyed

Until I looked at the part about his salary

And I wondered what kind of jerk I had employed

And I said to Andre, 'what gall! This ghost is really stuck up!'

EVERYONE: said to Andre 'what gall! This ghost is really stuck up!"

FIRMIN:

I don't care if he kills the stagehands

Twenty thousand francs isn't chicken feed

EVERYONE: What gall, what gall, what gall, what gall, this ghost is really stuck up!

FIRMIN:

But after he smashed the chandelier to pieces

I knew right then of the error in my ways!

But how could I make amends for all the mischief?

So now when Erik asks, Firmin pays!

And I say to Andre, 'you clown, we _need_ the Opera Ghost'

EVERYONE: stands Say to Andre 'you clown , we need the Opera Ghost.'

FIRMIN:

So the moral of my story

Is we got off luckier than most

You clown, you clown, you clown, you clown, we need the opera ghost!

You CLOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNN!

EVERYONE: We NEEEEEEEED ……The GHOOOOOOOOOOOST!

MIFROID: can I leave now?

ERIK: sure. Whatever. You never apprecieated good moral stories anyways.

MIFROID walks through a window.

ERIK: Oh yeah, one more thing….Christine?

CHRISTINE: mumbling …I wish _I_ could speak whale…

ERIK: Raoul told me that he didn't take you to Antarctica. So does that mean that you don't love him? Do you love me instead? Please please please say yes! Oooh I'm excited. Christine come on sing my angel of music!

CHRISTINE: hmm? What? Oh….yeah, Raoul got lost and we ended up at the north pole instead.

ERIK: OO

EVERYONE: OO

CHRISTINE: what? He was holding the map upside down! It wasn't his fault!

ERIK: bursts into sobs aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

CHRISTINE: what? gets dazed look on her face again French pants…. wanders through the Mifroid-shaped hole in the door

CARLOTTA: Unt now ve weeeel zing number 244, 'follow ze fold'. Eet ees on page twenty-seven.

SOME RANDOM PEOPLE wonder how this could be since 243 songs don't really equal twenty-six pages.

SOME RANDOM PERSON: Ummmm

CARLOTTA: Your part ees silent leettle toad!

ERIK: cries himself to sleep

SCENE 30 

DESPITE whatever else has happened in this story, NO matter how DEPRESSED everyone is, and DISREGARDING the FACT that ERIK and GIRY hate each other, EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED. In the MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

CHRISTINE: I do.

RAOUL: You _do?_ Doesn't that like, cause cancer or something? Should we be seeing a psychiatrist about this?

CHRISTINE: no, I meant that I do speak whale.

THEY SMOOCH.

CARRLOTTA: Oo are you to speeek? I doo.

NADIR THE NEWT: very pale this is so freakin weird.

NADIR RUNS AWAY. FAR AWAY.

SOCIETY JAMMES: He's here the Phantom of the OPERAAAAAA!

FIRMIN: well duh.

SOCIETY JAMMES FAINTS DRAMATICALLY INTO FIRMIN'S POCKETBOOK.

GIRY: I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in this story!

ERIK: sobbing masquerade….sniff…paper faces on parade…wheeze….masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you.

GIRY CANES ERIK ABOUT THE HEAD AND ERIK STARTS TO STRANGLE HER.

MEG: gee, you are the last man in the story! Don't cry daddy!

SULTANA OF MAZENDRAN: Ooooohhhh I can call him daddy now!

PHILLIPE: Hey you forgot me!

MIFROID: So did Andrew Lloyd Webber.

AUDIENCE: beats head against nearest wall to drive the weirdness away Nooooooooooooooo! Is hit by a passing car

And EVERYONE lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

ERIK: wails NOOOO Don't listen to her!

AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER once they reviewed the story. Because Erik would want you to.

ERIK: look what she's done to me! Pity me! I don't want to marry Giry! She's OLD.

And GIRY WAS MAGICALLY ERIK'S SAME AGE THE END.

ERIK: but she was always my age! Why do you think she's old! And she's not beautiful like Christine!

And GIRY WAS MAGICALLY AS GOOD –LOOKING AS ERIK THE END.

ERIK: but….but…sniffle...but

And ERIK'S CAT REALLY LIKED GIRY TOO THE END.

ERIK: sniffle

WHAT?

ERIK: nothing.

OH COME ON. I'M TRYING TO BE NICE.

GIRY: sneaks up behind author and punjabs her HA! Take that for tormenting Erik! You shall never hurt his feelings or assassinate his character again!

ERIK: you know I never noticed before, but you're sorta snuggly.

And then the Author died.


End file.
